Today is the last day of 2011! I can't believe it is finally here! It has been an extremely long year for my family with many changes and challenges along the way but we made it with our love and family in tact. Only by the grace of God.

I have learned a lot this past year about myself, my family (immediate & extended), my relationship with God, and just people in general.

My Relationship with God:

I wasn't as strong as I originally thought I was in where God was taking me. I'll be honest I doubted at times that God really had it all under control. While I was praying to God, I wasn't conversing with Him, I wasn't being honest with God about where I was and what I really needed from Him. Luckily, God knew what he was doing and He has shown me that he ultimately knows just what I need and what my heart truly desires. After going to Women Of Faith and hearing some amazing women speak I realized I wasn't really listening for what God has for me. I began a prayer journal that has helped me greatly in really connecting with God again.  

I have promised to stay close to God and really work on my relationship with Him in order to know what He fully has in store for me.

Myself:

I don't trust easily and this includes trusting myself. I really don't know who "Jody" really is. If you ask me I can tell you that I am a wife, mother, and friend but beyond that I struggle with who I am. I allow myself to be defined by the previous three titles.  

I have promised myself I will find out who the "True Jody" really is and to begin to trust in myself and my choices.

My Family:

While they will always be my family, some relationships just are not healthy and need to be re-evaluated. That includes making some very tough decisions and lots of prayer. Not everyone truly has your best interest in mind when they make decisions, they are done selfishly when God is not involved. Every choice has a ripple effect. 

I have promised to pray more for my family and where they are with God.

People In General:

While there are some people I have encountered this past year who have been supportive, forgiving, and non-judgmental the majority have been the complete opposite. I have encountered people who would rather listen to what others have said about us and the falsehoods that were being spread than to come to me and find out the truth. It's hard to deal with people like this who are all around you and are nice to your face but the minute your turn your back and are gone they are spreading gossip. Not everyone has your back but that's ok because God will take care of it.

I have promised to be more forgiving of these people and pray for them. I don't want to become one of them.

 Deuteronomy 8:2 (NIV)

² Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. 

Looking forward to 2012 coming is exciting for me. I am ready to find out what God has in store for me and my family. To follow Him where He is calling my family and what ministry options He has waiting on the horizon. 

Isaiah 43:18-19 (NIV)

¹⁸ “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. ¹⁹ See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. 

My prayer for all of you is that you will hear God's calling on your life in 2012. That you will find happiness in Jesus Christ. Listen to what God has to say and follow the path laid out for you.

Trust

Trust. Seems like an easy thing to do, right?  It's easy to tell others to do but not always easy to do ourselves. 

Trusting is not something that comes easy for me.  Maybe because of the amount of hurt I have experienced or having to fix problems in my life on my own for so long or because I was never really shown how to trust. I remember seeing how to doubt and to look for ulterior motives.  I was shown how to look for the worst in those around me. 

Since meeting my husband 4 years ago I have been able to begin to over come my fear of trusting people.  He has been able to show me that it's ok to allow people in and to allow them to help.  Not everyone expects something in return.  There are still very few people I allow into my circle of trust: my husband and about five other people. Not many people at all. Even the closest of friends will let you down but God will always be there.

Joshua 23:8   8 But you are to hold fast to the Lord your God, as you have until now.

I have found One who will never let me down!  This past year has been very trying for my husband and I. A lot of challenges and changes have gone on in our lives. It has been very scary and at times has almost broken us but in all of this I have a new found trust in Jesus Christ and the power He has in our lives.  It would have been so easy to crumble and break, to give way to Satan and just throw in the towel.  But through staying in the word and talking daily with God I have been able to hold fast to God.  I know that everything that has happened will all be for His glory.  My husband and I have grown much stronger together this past year and it is all thanks to trusting and standing firm in God.  

I know that there are great and wonderful adventures ahead for us and our ministry. God fought for me when I came to him, He continues to fight for me even today.

Exodus 14:13-14 

13 Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again.14 The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."

Cry Out To God, It's OK.

I was reading the recent Nov/Dec 2011 issue of Group Magazine this afternoon and a brief article from Ryan Donovan grabbed my attention.  Sharing God's Goodness Through Grief is a brief overview of how he dealt with his daughter's birth and short life of 19 days.  As I read this article it brought back a flood of emotions and memories from when I lost my son Peyton and how I dealt with it through God.  Here are a few tid bits from Ryan's article:

1. Grieve Well - In order to do this we must embrace the pain, don't run from it, don't avoid it. If we do this then we are holding back our tears. We must let tears fall as it means feeling all the pain and allowing God to hold you and sustain you in the middle of the grief.

2. Your Grief Isn't Just For Your Sake - Seasons of intense grief give clear windows to your soul. People who see you grieve get to see into your soul. Hold onto Jesus through your pain and you will find hope he promised. You can show others that are struggling how to find hope also.

3. God Really Is Good - God will sustain you through it all. Each day God gives you the strength you need for the day, He gives you people around you to give you strength.

As I read these words I remembered back to Oct. 22, 1999 when Peyton died and feeling God's loving arms embrace me. Was I leaping with joy at the time? No, I wasn't but I also wasn't blaming God for my pain. I was going through it, enduring it, breathing it all the while God was cradling me in His arms preparing me for the journey the rest of it would hold for me.

Now this article also applied to recent events in my life that I have been grieving for, over and over again.  While it wasn't the loss of a person it was a loss none the less and I had to go through the grieving process just the same.  I have hit my knees to cry to God so many times that I have probably worn holes in my pants. Through my prayers God has sent some amazing and wonderful people to help me and my family through these changing seasons and storms in our lives. I have cried on their shoulders and they have wiped my tears.  They have listened to me yell, rant, and rave.  They have also laughed with me.  I have learned a lot over this time period, even though it's not yet over, and I have even been able to help a few through some intense struggles because of my own.  I have even been able to let go of a few things as hard as that was for me to do at first.

Job 2:10   

¹⁰ He told her, "You're talking like an empty-headed fool. We take the good days from God—why not also the bad days?" 

Bottom line is this: Through whatever season you are in (whether good or bad) praise and glorify God. God is here to hold you and carry you through the toughest of times.  You don't have to or need to rely on yourself.  So go ahead, cry out, let the tears flow, feel every ounce of the pain and allow God to sustain you!

Are We There Yet?

Are we there yet? How much longer? Really!? I can't wait that long! I'm bored! I don't wanna wait any more! (insert whiny voice here)  Any of this sound familiar? If you've ever taken a road trip with kids you know these are standard questions considering most kids don't understand how long it really takes to get to your destination.

Lately, I find myself questioning if I am really supposed to continue with ministry. Did I misinterpret God's calling on my life?


Tonight, after one of my self questioning sessions I opened my bible up to a devotional for Isaiah 35:1-10 entitled just that "Are We There Yet?" As I read the scripture and the devotional it hit me that this is what I have been doing to God. WOW! He must be shaking his head at me going, "You silly child have you no patience or faith in me?"


I have become that child again. Asking God, "Are we there yet?" or "How much longer do we have till we get there?" or "Why is it taking so long!?" Not trusting that God knows what he is doing with my life.  I need to begin fully trusting God again. He does know what he is doing with my life. He would not send me down the wrong path for my life.  God has me on a spiritual journey and I need to sit back and let him have control of the wheel and navigate my life again.  

There are a few things in this devotional that jumped out at me.  Many times scripture calls our lives spiritual journeys. 
1.  In Hebrews 12:12-13 Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. Make level paths for your feet, so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.  Now when I read this I began to think of how weak I have felt spiritually lately. I have not been in the word as I should be, I have slacked on my bible study, my prayer journal has not been used even though I have still been praying (when I use my journal I am much more intentional about talking with God not to God and listening to Him.) I feel this scripture is calling me to strengthen what I have allowed to go weak in me.  

2.  Jeremiah 31:21  "Set up road signs; put up guideposts.  Take note of the highway, the road that you take."  Some stretches of our spiritual roads are straight and smooth while some have potholes of habitual sin, a time of distance from God, or other difficulties that make our road tough to travel


3.  Isaiah 40:3  A voice of one calling: "in the wilderness prepare the way for the Lord; make straight in the desert a highway for our God. To me this is saying to stay the path and continue to make the way for God to work.


In wondering if I was on the right path I ran across this:


"Spiritually speaking, we are on a path that is leading somewhere but how do we know if we are on the highway of holiness in our journey?"  Romans is filled with signposts referred to as the "Roman Road," and the direction they point ends with this promise: Romans 10:9 "If you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved."  When it comes to our final destination, none of us is "there yet," but we have God's Word to lead us in the right direction.


"I don't know where the long and winding road is leading you, but I do know this: if you remember passing Calvary, you're on the right road" --Patsy Clairmont

Mirror Mirror On The Wall............

Earlier in the week I posted a question on Twitter/Facebook...........

What do you see when you look in the mirror? Is it what God sees or what the world sees?  

I wish I could always see the me God sees in me, the woman he has created me to be, but usually I see what the world and Satan wants me to see.............

When I look into the mirror I see a scared little girl hiding underneath a blanket, her grandmother made for her, from the monsters in the closet.  A little girl afraid of rejection from those around her, worried about disappointing people in her life, scared to be a failure.  I see someone who can't do a darn thing right. The young woman who can't seem do good enough in school to please the teachers on her assignments, The shy girl in class who doesn't dress the right way because I don't have the right clothes or because I'm not good at sports.  When I see the reflection looking back at me I see a woman who looks terrible without make-up and who just doesn't measure up to every other mother out there.  I am the girl in the corner who feels so horrible about herself that she never gets to really show her full potential.

Now, if I look at myself through God's eyes I can see a TOTALLY different person. I see a woman who is a wonderfully and beautifully made daughter of God. You see this girl doesn't hide beneath that blanket, she uses it as her cape to fight off the bad guys like Super-Woman!  She isn't afraid of rejection or disappointment or failure because in God she is able to pick herself up and realize that He loves her no matter what.  In God I am perfect just how he made me...........I am confident in myself and my abilities. I may stumble but God is there to pick me up and dust me off so I can keep trying.  Through the eyes of God I know I am loved, I know I am a good mother, wife, and friend.  In God in know that there is a reason I am on Earth. I AM WORTHY! I DESERVE ALL THE GOD HAS FOR ME!

I have always struggled with my self-image, there are many things that contribute to the way I view myself. I think that is why I try so hard to show my daughters and the teens I work with that you are beautiful and gorgeous just how God made you. It would be a very boring life if we all looked like airbrushed super models!  No variety in life is soooooo blah!

I am very lucky to have wonderful man in my life who lifts me up and encourages me. My husband tells me several times a day how beautiful I am, how pretty I am, even when I am pretty sure I look like the proverbial road kill. He would prefer that I not wear make-up. He likes that I am comfortable in jeans and a hoodie or t-shirt. I am pretty low maintenance as far as "girls" go. Even with all that I will probably always struggle with myself. It's just how I am, my early family life and society has shaped that. I work hard to change the way I view myself and I am doing better.

Proverbs 31:30-31 (NIV)

³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
³¹ Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate. 

What brought all this to me was a great book I am reading called Fresh-Brewed Life by Nicole Johnson, I was reading Chapter 4 - Embrace Your Beauty. In this chapter were a few things that I had to highlight to remind myself that I am just fine the way I am....... 1.)"There is nothing spiritual about hating your own body"  2.)"I thank God for the (insert your name) He created me to be."  3.)"Whenever you seek to wrap your arms around the beauty God has made (including yourself), you are opening like a flower to the sun, saying an enthusiastic YES to God, and it will warm and color your life.  4.) "If you could see His eyes looking at you, you would notice that his whole face radiates love.  He is the designer of your form, and he is the first one who said, "She's beautiful." his tone was kind, and his words were true. You can believe him."

One of my favorite songs is by Barlowgirl - Mirror.

Always remember we are beautiful in God! God never created anything ugly or bad!

My First Women Of Faith 2011 - Indianapolis

  I recently attended my first Women of Faith conference w/ a great group of women! Now I almost didn't go but because I have a couple of wonderful Monkey girlfriends (I will explain monkeys later), a great Godly husband, and a God who loves my broken self, I went and had an amazing God-filled, healing experience.  Now to explain the "monkey" comment.........One of the first speakers we listened to was Dr. Henry Cloud (he is a Christian, Psychologist, & an author) and he was telling us how we need to be sure we have people in our lives to support/encourage us. The example he gave was of an experiment involving monkeys many years ago. They put a single monkey in a room, in a cage and began to flash bright lights repeatedly along with loud music and noises. They were literally scaring these monkeys to death. They were measuring the monkey stress levels and how the brain reacted to these stressful situations. Now the amazing thing was when they put their monkey buddy in the cage with them (all the while the stressors still going on) the original monkey began to calm down and was less scared/stressed. So all weekend we were calling one another monkeys. We all need our monkeys in our corner and we need multiple monkeys for different situations.

  Now through out the weekend I was texting little tid bits of information to my husband. Things I thought might be encouraging to him.  As we began our trip home I just couldn't wait to tell my husband all about my phenomenal weekend, I was so filled with joy and on fire! I had fallen in love all over again with God, something I thought was a long way off after the year my family has endured.  God has a way of bringing you back around to him when you least expect it. I felt like I was back on a very blessed road and for the first time I really felt like God was calling me into another part of ministry besides youth ministry with my husband. Although I don't know yet just what that ministry is, I do know that God has a plan for me.

  So, we get back into town and Cheri gives me a ride home but nobody was there. My husband was still up at the shop helping his buddy with his jeep (they were doing an engine swap while I was at W.O.F.) and as we pulled up I saw my children covered in brake dust and whatever else was in the shop and my husband kneeling on the floor in front of a jeep in the air. Uh Oh this can't be a good sign! It wasn't and I began to feel as though my "joy" from Women of Faith might just slip away but when my husband saw me his mood began to change. Whew! Thank you Dear God! My husband cleaned up and I took my unrecognizable boys & my tired husband home. As a side note I had to chuckle at the fact the my blond hair boy looked as though he had gotten caught in a dust bowl and his little brother was equally as covered but when they saw me they ran to me and gave me one of the biggest hugs I had gotten from them in a long time.  I just happened to be wearing a white shirt that now had dirty had prints all over it, I could even see the imprint of their little faces. Man, I was glad to be home!  

 Quick showers and off to bed they went and I was able to begin telling my husband of the wonderful realizations I had come to see.  See this last year has been very difficult on our family and I was just ready to start healing from all this hurt and pain.  Women of Faith allowed me that and i was able to learn how to prune certain things out of my life and move on.  I learned that in order for you to have the tomorrow God has for you that it is necessary for you to leave where you were at yesterday.   "You can't go to God's Promise Land and still take Sodom and Gomorrah with you."  That was probably one of the biggest issues I had been having. I wanted to hold on to yesterday, what we had at our previous church where my husband was an associate minister/youth pastor but it was fruitless for me to hold onto that any longer.  While I still struggle with my feeling/emotions regarding all that has happened I don't long to be there because I know that God has a different path for us.  I'm pretty sure at this point I was just talking in my sleep so off to bed we went.

  Sunday started out well. We were fixing a breakfast of scrambled eggs and toast for the jr/sr high Sunday school class.  Jaret & I were doing what we love to do serving Christ and youth at the same time. I was still feeling as though I was on a mountain top from my weekend. We made it through the service and afterward I was meeting a mom and daughter from our old youth group to catch up. Well, I think my husband had forgotten and was trying to make lunch plans but it was already 12:15 and I was meeting them at 1 so lunch plans were out the door. The start of Satan trying to kill my joy, we recouped from that and went home to fix lunch for Jaret and the boys, then I was off to my coffee date.  Jaret was supposed to be back at the shop to help with the jeep again, I thought at three, so I had plenty of time.  OH NO! Apparently he was supposed to be there between 2 and 2:30 and I wasn't back to take him up there. Now normally he could've just taken the motorcycle but he had our boys too.  So they got on their bikes and road there. Now somewhere in there Jaret tried to call me but I didn't see/hear/feel my phone go off as it was in my purse so that was another thing to add to the list for Satan to steal my joy.  I met my husband and children on their way to the shop and pulled in where, unfortunately, an argument ensued because I wasn't being mindful of what was going on. Now I won't go into the details of it all but Satan was really working hard to kill me here and he had almost won but eventually I walked away from it and cried my way home. 

  Now in true me fashion I retreated to my front porch haven, calmed down, and began to read "Fresh-Brewed Life" by Nicole Johnson that I had gotten at WOF and I didn't text my husband at all till he decided he was calm enough to text me.  He apologized, I said it was ok....work on the jeep.....I'm a big girl.....I'll be just fine. (yes those were my exact words to him)  I read a couple chapters and then it was really time to fix supper for the kids and.  Knowing that Jaret would be late getting home I began watching an old season of Hell's Kitchen, then he calls, and it was a normal call but somehow it turned into rehashing what had happened that afternoon.  We hang up, he gets home, and it all starts again!  Thank you Satan, THERE GOES MY JOY!!

  By this time I'm getting upset again and I was SO hoping we could have a good night once he got home. I had planned on catching up on some episodes we had missed and snuggling on the love seat together......that was down the drain. Come to find out that one of the boys had messed with the oil gun on Saturday night and had gotten oil all over the floor.  The boys were in bed but not asleep so my husband went in to find out who the culprit was, finally one of them confesses but after a couple of I don't knows and a but I didn't make a mess.  Jaret came out and asked me what I wanted to do.......To which I said, "I don't know I wasn't there remember. What do you want me to do about it?"  This, by the way, WAS THE WRONG ANSWER!!  Cue argument. Another battle has started and by now all my joy was gone and the fire I felt from the weekend was gone, squelched, eradicated in one, ok, two fell swoops.

  Mean and hurtful things were said, more tears were shed, and I once again hated myself -- I never should have left for the weekend -- I blamed myself  -- Blamed myself for the past 9 months, for my husband losing his ministry position, for my family's unhappiness, for my wavering faith, for my husband being someplace he doesn't feel called.  IF I HADN'T LEFT FOR THE WEEKEND WE WOULDN'T BE FIGHTING LIKE THIS!  Isn't it amazing what Satan puts into your head to keep you and your faith in the basement?!? It finally calmed down and apologies were made - again.  We watched some t.v. and went to bed.

  We have since recovered from our Sunday afternoon/evening blow up.  I have in fact regained my fire and joy from the weekend but Satan is still trying to put that fire out in me. There is always something running through my mind as I am my own worst enemy, my own worst critic.  In the time that I have come home from Women of Faith I have started journal that I write in a few times a day or whenever I feel the need.  Thank you Dolo (another of my monkeys) for surprising me with it over the weekend and I am reading, "Fresh-Brewed Life" by Nicole Johnson. These things alone have helped me greatly in staying focused on God and my task at hand which is traveling the path God has for me. 

This is one of my favorite verses, especially in times like this because I know only God can take this away form me and help me to keep my fire lit.................

“Abba, Father, everything is possible for you. Take this cup of suffering from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.” Mark 14:36

This was an amazing weekend for me. I experienced the start of the delicate process of healing from a huge hurt and intense pain.  I did a lot of crying out to God for help, a lot of tears were shed for those in my life and for myself.  I let go of the past so I can have the future God intended for me. So thank you to Cheri and Dolo for not giving up on me in my stubbornness and getting me to Women of Faith, to my husband for arranging everything for the kids so i could be gone that weekend, Thank you to the wonderful women who spoke at Women of Faith you truly touched my life and changed my heart.  Most of all thank you God for not giving up on me, for loving me even when I felt unlovable.

What scares you? Honestly.

  So today the question was asked in Sunday School, "What scares you?"

  Hmmmmmmmmm, What scares me? Immediately my mind starts racing, trying to figure this out.  I'm thinking back to when I was young and everything that scared me...........the dark, everyone other than my family (I was VERY shy as a child), my great Uncle Troy (by the way cow bites hurt!), coyotes/wild dogs (we lived in the country)......As you get older some of your fears go away or change.  Such as, I am no longer scared of the dark, fearful of strangers (all though I am still shy), I realized my Uncle Troy was just ornery and I miss him, and well I got used to the coyotes.  Now my fears are different.

  As the question went around the room I listened to the varying responses and reasoning.  All different and yet legitimate fears.  When I came to me my immediate response was loss, I am scared of loss.  I fear losing those who mean the most to me.  In '93, just before I graduated high school, I lost my Grandma Henderson who I admired most in my life.  In '99 I lost my first son, Peyton, to SIDS just three days after my 24th birthday.  Then I lost one of my best friends, Wendy, to breast cancer in 2006.  Now there were family members in between those years but there were the most important ones in my life.  Of course this goes beyond just dying.  It encompasses the loss of friendships and relationships I have developed over the years.

  So, as a result of this simple three word question I have been thinking all day of what TRULY scares me.  The biggest fear I have at the moment is not being able to work in ministry again.  There was a time I couldn't see myself in any type of ministry.  That was until about four years ago when I felt God calling me to work with teens along side my husband.  It was pretty much over from there.  After a couple of years working along side my husband I watched as our youth ministry flourished in God and Jaret became an ordained pastor.  Then I felt a tug on my heart to begin doing girls ministry but in my true-to-form-shy-nature I pushed it to the side knowing that this would be something I would have to start with out the protective wings of my husband.

  I remember like yesterday when I knew for sure I would start in girls ministry!  It was at SYMC 2010 while sitting in the middle of a workshop on mentoring, listening to a woman from Group publishing talking about doing a girls bible study.  I had closed my eyes and began rubbing my temples from the information overload when I heard in my head, "Jody this is where I want you to start. Right here and now."  That was the beginning of girls ministry for me.  God had started planning a wonderful journey myself and several other women of varying ages.  It was soon after starting this girls bible study, Designed To Shine, that I felt called to quit my job that I had worked the last twelve years.  So in December 2010 I quit my job with the school district with the intention of working in ministry along side my husband at our church and building the girls ministry.  Then in January 2011 something happened that would rock our entire plan, we lost our position in that church.  Talk about fear and being scared!  Now we were both without jobs and without a ministry.

  Now here I sit watching my husband go off to a job he really doesn't like and longing to do what God has called him to do.  Don't get me wrong I am extremely grateful and thankful for the job he has right now but I also know where his heart is.  As for myself, well, I feel guilty that I am not working outside the home even though I feel this is where God wants me.  I truly miss doing ministry full time and I do fear that we may never do ministry again.  However, I also have come to the realization that I must give my fears over to God if I am to overcome them.  There is a reason God has put us on this path we are walking.  So I continue to pray daily that God lead us on our journey and that we will know when He speaks to us.  That God move us to where He wants us next.

Psalm 34:4 (NIV)

 ⁴ I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.

Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)

¹⁰ So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:13(NIV)

¹³ For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

Isaiah 43:1 (NIV)

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. 

 

High's and Low's but God always prevails

  There is so much that has happened over the past several months since my last blog post. Sometimes I just haven't felt like posting anything and other times I have so much to say that I just can't get it out of my head or God tells me that it just isn't the right time to lay it all out there.  Well this is one of those times where He is telling me to not lay it all there but to just tell where I am at for the moment. 
  Jaret and I recently went to the SYMC (Simply Youth Ministry Conference) in Chicago along with about 3,000 other youth pastors/workers.  It was a phenomenal experience!! Just to be in one spot with so many Christians who are not only passionate about God but about our youth as well was amazing.  There were great speakers like Louie Giglio, Doug Fields, and Greg Steir. Wonderful entertainment like Tim Timmons, Gungor, Shand & Shane, and the OC Supertones. Certainly can't forget Eric Samuel Timm who paints such amazing, touching, thought provoking art work. 
  I went to SYMC this year with very fresh and open wounds on my heart.  Very much in transition in our lives at the moment, wondering where God was steering us and what path we should be traveling. We met some very wonderful people who have (whether they know it or not) helped us begin to heal.  I hope to be able to stay in contact with them.  What God did for us at the conference was, well lets just say I don't know when the last time I really felt God move the way I did that weekend! He reaffirmed to me that Jaret and I are meant for ministry.  Our wonderful experience wasn't without satan's attacks on us but the plus side here is we were amidst 3,000 other Christians who were readily available to pray for us & with us when we felt so vulnerable. 
  As with any Christian gathering where God is SO prevalent once you leave Satan starts his decent on many and the self-doubt begins to surface once again. I know for me it was coming back to our town and facing everything we have going on in our lives at the moment.  I know, I know everyone has trials in their lives they are facing.  One thing I know is that in all of this God has never left my side and through much of it all he has been carrying me on his shoulders so I can keep my head above water.
  When I begin to feel really overwhelmed I begin to pray and then my mind floods floods with all the teens we have helped, through God, come to know Christ.  The crazy lock-in's with 50-60 kids doing a city wide scavenger hunt and bigger/better game, playing lock-out at night and having to warn the neighbors so we wouldn't have the police called on us again, the Homeless Night where we walked from the church across town to do a service project and back again just before it started storming.  Everyone had made cardboard houses to sleep in that night, our own little shanty town that was demolished by the storm which led to an impromptu lock-in with a slip-n-slide in the fellowship hall! The late nights after youth group talking to teens about life and their futures till sometimes midnight.  The 2 a.m. texts when their worlds are falling apart.  The impromptu cook outs after church when my house was no where near presentable to have people over. All the football games spent standing down by the field so we could watch our dancers, cheerleaders, band members perform. Then loading up in the church van and heading over to Buffalo Wild Wings w/ close to 30 teens and their friends for 50 cent wings after wards.  The first retreat to Turkey Run, packing up all the food, equipment, and 27 teens, then finally getting there and unloading, getting cabin assignments, cooking & clean up assignments, starting our evening meal only to finish just before the first storm hit.  Playing frisbee in the pouring rain with everyone. Watching everyone pull together to help one team out to get things done, supporting each other, praying w/ each other and knowing God.  Although our canoeing trip was canceled due to all the rain everyone had a great time.  The parents calling us to "help" with their teen and opening up our home to kids whose parents needed a break from all the stress of raising a teen.  These are the moments that have made all of it worth it and that has helped us to know that God has really put us in the correct life profession.  It isn't a job or a career its a way of life that God has called us to and even in the in between times we will Shepherd and live for Him!